Friday, March 04, 2005
God Hates Female Orgasms

Which is why he gave every woman a clitoris, which is, of course, the only known organ of any species whose sole function is to produce pleasure.

Make sense? No? Well, you're obviously not a frothing-at-the-mouth anti-sex right-wing Christian southerner. Because if you were, you'd completely support the Alabama state law that forbids the sale of sex toys (and similar laws in Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, and Tennesee.)

No dildos shaped like dolphins for you, Alabama, no pink vibrators with little bunnies clinging to them, no cockrings or ballweights, no strap-on harnesses or nipple clamps, and definitely, definitely no buttplugs shaped like Baby Jesus. Heaven forefend! You have your lawfully-wedded husband's penis at your disposal (you might want to use AbsorbShun to make him feel "bigger"), but anything else is dirty. So stop it!

Oh, it is fun to laugh. It is fun to mock and point and say, aww, how cute, those lost and weird and backass Southern states where most people are just trying to live noble upstanding honest lives but where they still insist on putting stickers on biology textbooks to warn of the "dangers" of the theory of evolution.

Places where raw honest sexuality is a foreign language and homosexuality is considered a disease and where they lovingly allow sales of Viagra and Cialis and where they inject vats of Prozac and Xanax into their bodies alongside truckloads of deep-fried obesity-happy everything, but the thought of someone using a sex toy to please herself or her lover and to add to the overall positive orgasmic vibe of the planet is considered on par, legally speaking, with pedophilia, or burglary, or being from France.


But then again, we are still in a world where brutal, undeclared war is considered noble and the human female nipple is considered traumatizing to children, and the pope, mustering one of his last wheezing, homophobic breaths, declares gay marriage to be part of the "ideology of evil," and millions believe him, especially the BushCo Right, especially those evangelicals who, for some sad reason, now hold the reins.

So then. They're not just dildos, baby. They're a flag of righteousness. They're an emblem of all that is right and good and delicious and that must be defended to the death. Dildos are, in short, a beacon of hope. Wave yours high, won't you? And then point it in the general direction of Alabama, and laugh.

(SF Gate)

5:13 PM ::
Amy :: permalink