Wednesday, April 27, 2005In Which Sister Novena Broadly Doubts Her Abilities
I'm finally -- finally -- done with the Deren paper. It came out to 18 pages (7600 words) in the end, complete with visual aids. I think it turned out okay, although I find myself gripped by the sense that it's not remotely good enough. It's not my ability that's in question, it's just the scope of my knowledge -- there's just so goddamn much I don't know, so much I don't adequately understand. It's honestly very humbling.
Anyway, if anyone wants to read it and give me feedback, drop me a line; I can use the input.
Now that that's done, I've only got one paper left to write for this term -- it's a big one, but I've got two or three weeks to knock it out. I have a bit of an academic dilemma ahead next term -- given that I've only briefly met my actual plan sponsor once (and then for less than a minute, total), I don't actually know anything about the guy. What insight I've gathered into his teaching style is second- and third-hand, overheard in conversations between other students who've studied under him, and a little bit from other teachers. My acting plan sponsor informed me last week that he "doesn't really do papers"... that might prove to be a bit awkward given that my plan is mostly paper-based. Mightn't he have mentioned that before?
So I've been hunting around for someone else who knows about film to read my papers. My acting plan sponsor has little practical knowledge of filmmaking, so she doesn't fit the bill (although she's great with lots of other things.) I've asked the visiting film professor, who teaches my screenwriting class, if he'd be willing to read them -- I like him, and he's been very supportive of my work this term, so he seemed a likely candidate. And he's willing to do it... but not for free. It's possible the deans would be willing to cough up a little dough, but it's equally possible that they won't. So that might not work out.
That same professor -- the one teaching screenwriting -- was really complimentary in a meeting a few days ago, telling me (against my protests) that my writing is "really very good." The thing is, I'm not sure it actually is. I mean, I know it's pretty good, but is it good enough to get paid for it?
But before I get around to all that, I have to spend this summer doing interviews with filmmakers and (*gasp*) making a film. I feel pretty good about the screenplay I've written for said film; I think it's actually not half bad (again, if anyone wants to read it and give me feedback, I'd be most appreciative). Whether or not my filmmaking skills will measure up is another question. I feel like I know basically what I'm doing -- that seems to be as much as any filmmaker can ever claim -- but having not tested myself much in the last few years, I acknowledge that my ideas of what I'm currently capable of might be distorted or false.
This is why guys have it easy -- when they suffer a crisis of confidence, they've got women around to massage their egos for them. (It's one of my specialties.) Women, on the other hand, knowing that men aren't generally as good at that as we are, lack that luxury.