Monday, December 12, 2005
The Amazing Vegan Cat

I'm grouchy today. I was grouchy yesterday, too. It's not an aimless, all-pervasive grouchiness. I'm not likely to snap at friends, that would be bizarre behavior even when I'm at my worst (although it does very occasionally happen, generally right after I've woken up or when my blood-sugar is low, and I always feel bad afterwards). No, this is more like an extremely low tolerance for bullshit.

I was driving the van last night, and ended up with a few passengers who decided to pass the entire journey by expounding at length on the subject of their "vegan" cat. Why anyone would force a cat to be vegan I shudder to think -- people can be vegan if they want, and good luck with that, but projecting your dietary neuroses onto a carnivorious animal seems a bit unfair. "But a cat can live perfectly happily on a diet of tofu and lentils," they protest. "It's still protein. And if you add some special enzymes, it meets all their nutritional requirements."

These synthetic enzymes -- because of course their natural sources are animal, and thus not vegan -- are apparently very much like fish food. So they said last night in the van, anyway.

Why, I asked, would anyone take a beastie that has evolved over hundreds of thousands of millenia to eat only other beasties, and compel it to live on a diet that excludes all animal-derived foods, thus requiring the inclusion of synthetic chemicals to keep it from going blind and having all its hair fall off?

Because it's "natural" and "healthy."

It was all I could do to resist the urge to put them all off the van.

They then proceeded to describe how skinny their cat was, how it ate and drank voraciously but never got any fatter, how the vet looked at them suspiciously when they brought the cat in -- "but he's a 'normal' vet, not a naturopathic one." But if you whisper that maybe this whole "vegan cat" thing isn't actually as healthy as they think, they'd get so defensive you'd think they were at Nuremberg.

If you want to keep little animals from dying horribly, you should be going around killing cats. You should engage in cat slaughter on a massive scale. If your "vegan" cat was big enough, or if you were small enough, it would kill you and eat you as soon as look at you -- it might bat you around for a while first, but sooner or later it would deliver the killing bite to the back of your neck, and then it would commence to eating all the soft parts between your head and your legs. This, for your cat, is natural and healthy. So let's not fucking kid ourselves here.

Christ, what are their children going to be like?
8:32 AM ::
Amy :: permalink