Monday, March 20, 2006
Capitulation

Okay, so, here's the thing...

I have indeed written something interesting. The very evening the challenge was issued, I decided a small foray into fiction was a reasonable response. I grabbed a couple of old characters I haven't been able to find a use for elsewhere, took my id firmly in both hands, and gave it a good, hard squeeze.

I've got maybe five pages of id-squeezings so far, and my confidence is faltering. I don't know if you know what id juice looks like, but at the moment I'm not sure that even I want to live in the same skull as me. And after five pages, I sat down and had a good, long think about this. This stuff is just nasty; really quite repellant. It's potent, it's positively pregnant with subconscious meaning, it's some of the most interesting stuff I've yet put down on paper. So obviously it's not the kind of stuff I want to blow on a blog post just to annoy my mom. It's worth much, much more than that.

My initial fear was a gut-level one of rejection -- "if anybody knew about this, I'd have no friends left." That, of course, is silly -- the kinds of people I keep for friends would probably only like me more. (I know I'd like me more if I were them.) My second worry is that it's just not good enough -- but then, that's my universal worry, the worry that I apply to every single goddamn thing that comes under the sweep of my radar (I'm not good enough, what I do isn't good enough, nothing I think is good enough and will never be good enough, etc. etc. etc. until I feel like slitting my wrists.) Being "good enough," though, has more to do with the time put into something than with the original seed of an idea. "Good enough" comes with effort and patience. And I can manage that... but not in three days.

What I'm really saying is, I'm not going to post anything interesting today after all. This is my capitulation, my surrender, you win, I'm so boring, ta-da. You could even legitimately doubt that I've written anything at all if you're a cynical bastard. I don't care; this blog isn't really for any of you anyway (although I'm still glad you read it.) I've got my little id-baby here, and it's an ugly, scary motherfucker, but I think I'm starting to become rather fond of it. If nothing else, when I do finally present it to the world, I want it to be with my real name attached to it and not some nom-de-blog. And I want it to be after having given it enough time and space to be the best, ugliest, scariest glob of interestingness it can possibly be.

So y'all can just go home disappointed.
9:02 AM ::
Amy :: permalink
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