Saturday, March 25, 2006

I'm starting to think that this whole "coming back to Memphis" thing was a mistake. A pathetic, entirely predictable mistake.

Then again, I'm just in an ambivalent mood tonight. Feel free to ignore me; I won't take it personally.

I had a pretty okay day, actually -- I got up expecting to stay home and do absolutely nothing, but was soon convinced by a friend to go out and give the day a chance to rise above routine. I went to a small film screening, met up with a bunch of people, and then went to lunch with nine or ten of them (including a few happily-met new acquaintances.) Afterwards I followed several of them to a house to see off a car full of departees on their way to California (where they'll meet up with one of my favorite people from Memphis), then to another house to watch people watch the Big Game. I was just wafting through the day in whatever direction the wind blew, and it worked out surprisingly well -- the day was full of happy synchronicities, the fortuitous intersection of chance and timing. It wasn't entirely smooth -- the gears were grinding a little as they came together -- but it got the job done.

But even so, the seed of ambivalence I felt this morning continued to expand throughout the day. There were a few other stops I could've made tonight, but I was aware that I was becoming less and less good company so I quit the scene and headed home. There are a lot of things bothering me right now, a lot of blockages in my life, and I'm starting to get really frustrated. I just can't seem to get a foothold, but I also don't have much access to the creative/intellectual/spiritual/mental sustenance to get me through this long, dark tea-time of the soul. I try, but things just never come together. Or far too rarely, anyway.

Even the plan to surrender to a mundane life has become frought with frustration -- I can't even fail as an artist well. And not for the first time.

Has it been too long since I told people how much I love them? Maybe this blockage has its source with me, not with the world around me. Maybe I'm not giving enough, maybe I don't push hard enough. Y'know, I often think that we don't tell each other often enough how important we all are; we're all too socially inhibited to express our genuine fondness and respect for our friends. How sad is that? Especially when we all need to hear it so badly; I know I almost always hold my tongue when I'm feeling really expansive about someone.

Christ, I feel vulnerable just talking about it.

Bah. I think tomorrow I'll go back to hiding.
9:13 PM ::
Amy :: permalink