Wednesday, September 13, 2006
A Definitive Answer, Maybe

A familiar question came up today, a question that over the years I've been asked by my mother, by my close friends, by total strangers, by people making polite conversation, by people making a lunch run, and once by the guy who directed Battletruck:

"But what do you really want?"

All of them were seeking different information when they asked; "wanting" can encompass so many kinds of hope and desire. But I don't think I've ever really answered this question, even to myself. I'm not sure that I actually know. Maybe that's the problem. Anyway, the person who most recently asked is never going to read this response, but what the hell -- that's not the point.

I want to make a modest little living doing what I love, or, barring that, I want to make a more comfortable living doing something that will allow me to continue doing what I love. I want, just once before I die, to prove what I'm really capable of. I want to hang out with people who do different things than me. I want to write this damn book, I want to learn how to deal with actors, I want to meet more people I can learn from, I want to make at least one film per year. I want to be a little more self-confident, and a little less consumed with self-doubt. I want to be irrefutably good at what I do.

Someday I want to have white hair and wear big floppy hats. By the end of my life, I want to have understood as much about the world as possible. I want to have a real home someday, maybe a family of some description -- I'm not too picky about what it looks like. I also want to go other places as frequently as I can, because sometimes home is best when you're coming back to it. I want to live in another language for a while -- Spanish would be easiest, but French is more interesting. I want to spend a few more years as a foreigner. I want to get to be old friends with culture shock. I want to see St. Paul's from Waterloo Bridge again one day.

I want to keep meeting people I could love. I don't want endless lists of "friends," I just want my carefully-chosen few. But I want that number to always get bigger, not smaller. Someday I want to have them all in the same room at the same time. I want to find a fellow traveler someone-who-also-travels-in-both-a-literal-and-figurative-sense*, someone who knows not to hold onto love too tightly. I want someone who understands that its better to be a pair of individuals than a couple. I want outrageously long conversations and companionly silences. I want somebody who goes out and does things that don't involve me; but I'd like to be able to come along now and then, maybe. I want someone I'd never have expected. I want to stay willfully single until it's time to be with someone; but I'm in no big hurry for that to happen.

And I want a dog -- ideally one that doesn't smell too bad.

I think that about covers it.

*oh, for fuck's sake
2:48 AM ::
Amy :: permalink